Bad-Ass Monkey With a Knife Is Ready for It to Go Down
ISIS. The Zika virus. The possibility of Donald Trump moving into the White House. The world has plenty of scary stuff on its plate, but this mini Planet of the Apes-type development may be the most frightening of all.
You see, this video is called "Drunk monkey attacks people with a Knife in Brazil." There really isn't much more we can do here to warn you about the impending danger other than to advise you to keep away from all zoos.
Between this monkey and the crab that's packing a knife, it's entirely plausible to think a chicken will grab you and hold you hostage with a homemade shiv until it's not only allowed to actually cross the road, but also escape in an attempt to free all its brothers and sisters from the nearest Chick-fil-A farm.
And side note: who's giving liquor to a monkey? That's a terrible idea, even if clean water is harder to find in Brazil than a Blockbuster video. With the Olympics coming, let this be a warning to all the athletes with visions of gold medals dancing in their heads: you'd better think about silver, instead -- as in that's the color of the knives the monkeys will be holding when they rob you in the back alleys of Rio.