
10 People You Just Can’t Stand at Your Iowa Pumpkin Patch
We get it: fall is magical in Iowa. I love it. You love it. There's a crisp chill in the air, crunchy leaves underfoot, and the promise of hot cider and pumpkins at every turn. But when it comes to pumpkin patches, there's always that person who takes things a bit too far. Here's a list of 10 people you don't want to meet at your local pumpkin patch—I mean do you REALLY want to be the unwitting star of a Midwestern autumn cringe compilation? Maybe you do...
10) The Pumpkin Everything Obsession
This is a bottom rung offender. We get it. You LOVE pumpkins! Just don’t be the person who asks every employee, parent and child at the pumpkin patch if there's pumpkin spice lattes, beer, bread, bars, etc. This is a farm, Brenda and Chad, not a Starbucks or brewery. And no, your travel mug filled with the stuff does not make you more festive—it just makes you jittery while you "casually" pose for your "iconic" Instagram shot, which took 32 takes... make that 33, 34, 35...
9) The Plaid Overload
It’s fall, we get it—you’re wearing plaid. But don’t be the one who shows up looking like a walking advertisement for a lumberjack convention. When your flannel shirt matches your scarf, which matches your dog’s bandana, which matches your significant others jacket, you’ve crossed into uncharted plaid territory. You're now a plaid addict (Is there a program for that?) Tell me, is it "buffalo chic" or the start of a flannel cult?
8) The Fall Influencer
Expanding on #10, if you spend 45 minutes in the patch looking for the most photogenic pumpkin, you’ve missed the point. You’re not shooting a magazine cover; it’s just a gourd, Karen. Bonus points if you bring a mini ring light for "optimal fall glow"—but just know that the only one glowing that day will be the patch owner from all the money they’re making off you.

7) Corn Maze Speed Runner/Lost Soul
Don’t be the person who thinks the corn maze is a chance to relive your middle school cross-country glory days. No one likes someone sprinting through, yelling, "I’ve gotten this in under 10 minutes!" like it’s some kind of fitness app. It’s not a race—it’s an excuse to casually enjoy the weather, bond with your friends, and maybe panic a little when you realize corn ALWAYS looks the same in every direction. And for those of you that send small kids in unattended: it might be funny at first, but crying children are NOT fun at any event. Bonus points on the awkward conversation with the patch owner when your kid actually becomes a "children of the corn."
6) The Pumpkin Patch/Hayride "DJ"
Do not be the person who tries to set the mood by blasting Mariah Carey’s “All I Want for Christmas Is You” on the hayride. This is a sacred autumnal event, people! If the patch owners want to crank out some good ole' fashioned "Monster Mash" or maybe a tasteful folky jam band, your music privileges are already revoked and the volume button should be going down, or just drop those headphones in and keep it to yourself. Save Christmas tunes for the snowy season and "your jams" for your own earholes.
5) The Pumpkin Launcher Bogart
We all love the pumpkin launcher, trebuchet, or catapult. Launching pumpkins into the distance is a blast (literally). But don’t be that person who hogs the cannon like you’re prepping for the great pumpkin war. It's not a personal artillery range, Gregory. Let the kids have a turn! When you start offering unsolicited advice on "optimal launch angles" and taking out targets like you're in some pumpkin-based action movie, it’s time to hand over the launcher and step away from the gourd ammo. Bonus points for the idiots who have one-too many and takes out an animal or kid. And if I happen to call the pumpkin launcher the wrong thing, don't correct me by explaining the difference between a trebuchet and a catapult... ugh.
4) The Halloween Overachiever
Wearing a full Halloween costume to the patch is a bold choice, but letting your kid (or yourself) bring a pillowcase and asking random parents for candy crosses the line. And please, don’t be the grown adult in an inflatable T-Rex suit running around like it’s October 31st. Those kids don't know you, and based on that alone you're a scary creep. And no, the pumpkin patch staff does not want to see you do the Thriller dance in the suit, again.
3) The Picky Pumpkin Expert
Now listen here Todd, I don’t need a TED Talk on the differences between an heirloom gourd and a sugar pie pumpkin. Everyone’s just here to pick something orange-ish and vaguely round. No one cares that you watched a documentary on sustainable pumpkin farming, proper carving skills, or how to make them into a pie. Don’t ruin someone’s day by insisting they chose the “inferior” pumpkin variety. You're not smart, you're a jerk. Besides, my kid picked out the "ugly" pumpkin for reasons only known to him! Your opinion matters not.
2) The Competitive Cornhole/Games Maniac
I get that the point of playing a game is to win. But, there’s always that one person who treats the pumpkin patch’s games like it’s the Olympic trials. Calm down, it’s just a game of cornhole! Heck, one of my kids can't even aim to hit the board in the first place. No one’s impressed by your victory dance, and your trash talk is terrifying for children and parents alike. Maybe save the intense competitive spirit for a family game night—or, you know, therapy.
1) The Hot Apple Cider Bootlegger
We see you, Barney. You’re not fooling anyone by pouring that flask of “extra cinnamon” into your hot apple cider. Sure, a spiked drink might seem like a great idea, but this is a family-friendly pumpkin patch, not a tailgate. And when you start loudly slurring about how you could totally carve or paint a better jack-o'-lantern than the 8-year-old next to you, it’s clear you’ve crossed the line. Save the booze for post-patch festivities, because nobody wants to explain to their kids why “that guy” passed out next to the corn maze or ran out of it naked.
Many of these things are ok, in small doses, but not everyone enjoys things the way you do. So, let's keep the fall fun for everyone. Your spouse, friends, and family will thank you for taking a more measured approach to your pumpkin patch tom-foolery.
Dubuque Theisen's Annual Dog-O-Ween 2023
Gallery Credit: Tom Ehlers
Dubuque's "Trunk or Treat" 2022
Gallery Credit: Steve Pulaski
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